We’re in an exciting time when service apps are booming. From Lyft (for rides,) Postmates (for delivery,) to HandJobs (for hand jobs,) it’s easier than ever for the average millennial to delegate everyday tasks like assassination and bathroom cleaning. We’re disrupting so many established service industries that there can be a steep learning curve when it comes to understanding the rules of etiquette. We’ve interviewed numerous experienced housekeepers on formerly taboo questions such as: How much to tip, which requests are considered rude, and how much sexual harassment is too much. We compiled a list based on their feedback:
1. If you don’t own a toilet brush, you’re disgusting.
Seriously. A toilet brush costs a dollar so you have no excuse not to have one. If you don’t have one, your cleaning lady will be forced to use her own, which she also uses on the other filthy humans who were too lazy to get one. This means other people’s shit particles are in your toilet. Also, try to be sensitive to the fact that this may be her personal toothbrush and it’s extremely unsanitary for her to put in her mouth after scrubbing your nasty toilet with it.
2. Don’t ask her how she got in your house or who hired her.
If she is cleaning your house, questioning her motives can be seen as an insult, and you don’t want to offend the woman who knows where your double-ended dildo is hidden, right?
3. If you have pets, also put out food and water for the cleaning lady.
This may sound like a given, but you’d be amazed how many homeowners don’t put out separate water and food bowls for their cleaning lady. Cleaning ladies don’t want to share slobbery dog water with Captain Fluffy!
4. If toilet paper is folded nicely, don’t use!
Your cleaning lady put a lot of time and love into nicely turning down the bed, folding the toilet paper ends into little fans, and rolling up the hand towels. Don’t insult her by messing it up just because your butthole is dirty.
5. Giving any kind of instructions is a huge insult!
Cleaning is as subjective as any art form. If you specify that you want her to focus on the floors or show her where the silverware goes, she might think you are questioning her taste and expertise. She went to eight years of cleaning school for this. Trust her when she says the crumbs look good under the couch.
6. Deep clean your house top to bottom to make her job easier.
A lot of people don’t realize that cleaning ladies hate sweeping just as much as normal people. Here’s a rule of thumb: If you don’t feel like doing it, she probably doesn’t either. You will really get the most out of your cleaning lady if you have done all of her work for her before she arrives.
7. Make sure her husband Charles waits outside.
Make sure your cleaning lady’s husband, Charles, waits outside no matter how much he screams. DO NOT let him in under any circumstances.
8. Don’t put out pictures of your family.
Cleaning ladies are very lonely, and they may feel bad about their life with their husband, Charles, if they have to dust and polish pictures of you with your wife and kids laughing in the Hamptons. Be considerate of her feelings and put all family photos somewhere she can’t find them. Any small reminder of what she doesn’t have can trigger her depression.
9. Keep your Roomba in a cage.
Please keep your Roomba robotic vacuum caged or chained in the yard while your cleaning lady is working her manual vacuum.
10. If you are going to get her involved in body disposal, cut her in.
Don’t assume your cleaning lady will keep her mouth shut just because you bought her that bluetooth headset. Cleaning ladies want in. They want a fair cut of the insurance money like everyone else.
11. DON’T give her a holiday bonus unless you know which holidays she celebrates!
If you give your cleaning lady a Christmas bonus and she’s a satanist, you are being extremely rude. Find out which deity or anti-deity she prays to, and make sure to give her a bonus on every single holiday that religion observes.
12. Making her do tricks does not impress your friends.
Your friends do not understand how cool it is that you’ve trained your cleaning lady to only use the upstairs bathroom. Don’t bother showing off to them. They don’t respect you.
13. Separate whites, colors and cum rags to make laundry easier for her.
To make sure your cleaning lady isn’t spending the bulk of her time pulling apart darks and lights that are stuck to your jizz socks, make sure you sort them ahead of time.
14. If she’s allergic to cat hair, have a dog instead.
Do we really need to say this?
15. Let her take a break every 8 hours.
Remember, your cleaning lady is cleaning for you 24/7 without pay. he is eventually going to need to relieve herself and take her insulin. Be mindful of this since she absolutely won’t ask you.
16. If you and your buddies are doing blow, it’s customary to offer her a bump.
Just because your cleaning lady is a 60 year old Mexican Catholic abuelita who prays aloud whenever she opens your “drawer of sin,” don’t assume she wants to be excluded from all the fun. Offer her a bump and watch her make the place sparkle in record time.
