Washington D.C. – Hundreds of mourners gathered at the Capitol rotunda Tuesday to say goodbye to the last American President about whom no one had strong feelings of any kind. “It really puts in perspective how much times have changed,” lamented Senate majority leader Mitch McConnel. “I can’t actually remember anything he did or said, but I remember I didn’t hate him. And I also remember I didn’t love him. Which is just unthinkable today.”
Former Vice President Joe Biden shared the sentiment: “There was a time, not so long ago, when a politician in this country could have no charisma, no ideology, no vision, no agenda, no followers, no enemies, and still get elected President of the United States. It was a wonderfully boring time when most people just lived their lives and didn’t think much about politics. It’s hard to believe it was only 26 years ago that the nation wasn’t in a state of constant fear, outrage and fanatical division.”
“They called the Clintons murderers,” recalled a tearful George W. Bush. “They called me a War-criminal. They called President Obama a Muslim socialist. And they call our current President a white supremacist. My father was never called any of these things. Because my father was too goddamn boring to hate. He did almost nothing while he was in office. And if I’ve learned one thing from the eight years I spent doing things when I was president, it’s that we need more presidents who don’t do things. We need more presidents like my dad.”
