Maddison, WI – In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.
“We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,” Assured sales representative Karen Rideholme. “But desperate times call for extra safety measures. Starting Wednesday, only 35 shoppers will be permitted in the store at any one time. Purchases of weighted blankets and fondue sets will be limited to one per customer, and we will only be stocking a finite number of infinity scarves.”
“This is absolutely ridiculous,” an incensed fashionista complained to the guard who removed illegal Himalayan salt lamps and rose gold-colored belts from her purse. “There must be a manager or higher-ranking officer I can speak to. I paid for this fair and square!”
According to reports from “Live! Laugh! Love!” a lifestyle group for boss bitches on Facebook, some savvy queens are gaming the system by changing their hairstyles from a deep hombre to light and bouncing balayage between visits: “I was able to go in twice in a row and no one recognized me!” A group member posted with a picture of the last 20%-off leopard-print throw in the store. “I’ve been waiting for an occasion to treat myself to this $400 blowdry and tint anyway.”
