Washington D.C. – After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. “It was a terrible thing to witness” said the State Department Monday. “After all the booze and coke was gone, out came the phone. I did everything I could. I looked EPA in the eye and said, ‘PUT THE PHONE DOWN. He can’t help you now. He’s gone.’ But it was useless.” The Department of Energy told reporters the humiliating incident was the inevitable result of EPA’s current abusive relationship. “He cut the budget by 35% and EPA said nothing. He issued a gag order and EPA still believed he could change. But when he pulled out of the Paris climate accords, it was just too much to handle.” Family members report that EPA is now rehydrating quietly at home with electrolyte-rich water from a stream in West Virginia.
