Tacoma, WA – While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to human health and wellbeing, the anti-buffet measures have led to an unexpected boom in decadent rat orgies taking place in the salad bar of abandoned Sizzler restaurants.
“It looked like a speakeasy from the roaring 20s,” explained branch owner Sam Chang after reviewing security camera footage. “…That is if flappers and gangsters were squeaky rodents and fucking was prohibited instead of booze. I was already on the fence about eating romaine after those recalls, but this gives ‘bed of lettuce’ a new meaning.”
Of course, not everyone found our furry friends’ fornication funny: “Sizzler is a family restaurant,” tweeted @LeviticusSaves. “And it’s clear from the accounts and photos, which I’ve spent hours reviewing in every lurid detail, that these wanton lustful rodents were not trying to procreate. It’s simply unnatural!”
“It’s incredible how quickly nature takes over when humans aren’t around to spread our huge destructive footprint,” tweeted famed DJ, @Moby along with an unrelated photo of his new “VEGANS FUCK” tattoo. “This was their home first, the least we can do is #stayhome in our hydroponic vegetable labyrinths.”
Rat twitter lit up as vermin orgies in shuttered buffets across the nation continued to surge: “Gettin carnal on the carne asada!” @Ratatatouille uploaded a video of a rat foursome in the Tex-Mex station of Golden Corral with the caption: “2020 is our year! #yearoftherat”.
