Washington D.C. – In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement announcement, liberals nationwide have begun stockpiling abortions and same-sex marriages at an unprecedented rate. Data released Monday by Planned Parenthood and multiple state governments shows that Americans bought nearly three million abortions and gay marriages in just the last 12 days.
“It’s bad for the country, but good for business,” explained Planned Parenthood CEO, Cecile Richards. “Everyone knows Trump’s new appointment is going to overturn Roe v. Wade. We’ve sold more abortions in the last two weeks than we did during the last two years of the Obama administration. People are scared.”
“Trump doesn’t care about my constitutional rights!” barked Jamie Leder, a Georgetown undergrad who picked up four abortions from her local clinic Friday. “They’re coming for us. They’re gonna go door to door and I’m gonna be ready. They can have my abortion when they pry it from my cold dead uterus.”
According to Maryland Secretary of State John Wobensmith, a similar spike has occurred in the issuance of marriage licenses to same-sex couples. “There are lines out the door of every city hall in the state,” an exacerbated Wobensmith stated. “I’ve issued nearly 200,000 marriage licenses to same-sex couples this week. Which is odd, because we only have about 160,000 gay people in our state.”
“I may be straight today, but what if I decide I wanna marry a woman years from now?” asked real-estate agent Kristen Weiner as she waited in line on the front steps of Annapolis City Hall. “Once the government takes a right away, they never give it back. So me and my boyfriend Matthew are marrying our best friends, Nicole and Trent before this fascist regime has a chance to take that right away!”
In an early morning tweet storm, President Trump responded to the surge by calling liberal fears of abortion and gay marriage seizures “fake news.” “Roe v. Wade is history!” the President wrote. “But I’ve been assured by the justices that existing abortions with porn stars and prostitutes will not be overturned.”
