Business

Tacoma, WA - While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to...

Maddison, WI - In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.  “We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,”...

Thailand - Following a missed opportunity to use his high-tech, boy-sized, and unmistakably phallic submarine to traffic a group of eleven athletic young Thai boys trapped in a cave to safety; an ambitious engineer is turning to an age-old method of enticement: Candy! "I designed the submarine for this specific purpose. I consulted parents for measurements of their prepubescent sons...

Washington D.C. - In what he called "the culmination of a lifelong dream," Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder gleefully unveiled his team's new "Chief Wooha" logo at a press conference Monday. "I've been begging Larry to sell me the rights for 15 years!" Snyder explained in an apparent reference to Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan. "When he called me...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...

In an apparent effort to appease unhappy iPhone users off-put by some of the more draconian clauses hidden in the most recent update of their operating system’s terms and conditions, Apple announced Monday that it plans to introduce a new “Agree To Disagree” option. “We simply cannot continue losing our loyal customers to our competitor and their far superior...

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Shares of moist towelette manufacturer Whette Inc. fell 9% Thursday on news that co-founder and long-time CEO Eric Rhodes resigned after being caught eating Cathy’s lunch. Witnesses say the brilliant architect of the billion-dollar company was caught red-handed eating a ham and brie panini that Cathy left in the bottom-right vegetable compartment of the fridge; a spot so secluded...

New York, NY - Attorneys for The New Yorker magazine filed suit Monday against Make-A-Wish Foundation, alleging the charitable organization falsely promised in 2012 that "satirical" news writer Andy Borowitz had only three months to live. The New Yorker claims they detrimentally relied on this promise when they allowed Borowitz to begin publishing his god-awful attempts at satire on...