Business

Tacoma, WA - While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to...

Washington D.C. - In what he called "the culmination of a lifelong dream," Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder gleefully unveiled his team's new "Chief Wooha" logo at a press conference Monday. "I've been begging Larry to sell me the rights for 15 years!" Snyder explained in an apparent reference to Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan. "When he called me...

Maddison, WI - In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.  “We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,”...

If there were a way to expose your brand to a guaranteed fifty unique sets of eyes per week: Each for 15-20 minutes of undivided focus, specifically targeted to your desired demographic, what would that be worth to you? Local Slut Mckenzie Banks realized she had "struck oil" when a stoner dude whose name might have been Kyle finished on...

Luxor, Egypt - Unsatisfied with its status as the second biggest streaming service in the world, Netflix announced Friday it has reached agreements with the governments of Egypt and Sudan to purchase the Nile for a reported $12.8 billion in cash and stock. The aggressive move is the latest in a vicious territorial battle between two media giants. "For...

In an apparent effort to appease unhappy iPhone users off-put by some of the more draconian clauses hidden in the most recent update of their operating system’s terms and conditions, Apple announced Monday that it plans to introduce a new “Agree To Disagree” option. “We simply cannot continue losing our loyal customers to our competitor and their far superior...

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

New York, NY - Attorneys for The New Yorker magazine filed suit Monday against Make-A-Wish Foundation, alleging the charitable organization falsely promised in 2012 that "satirical" news writer Andy Borowitz had only three months to live. The New Yorker claims they detrimentally relied on this promise when they allowed Borowitz to begin publishing his god-awful attempts at satire on...

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...