Local

Tacoma, WA - While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to...

Maddison, WI - In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.  “We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,”...

United States - In the wake of reports of a mass shooting currently in progress since early Monday morning August 1st, 1966, the Nation’s local law enforcement are urging residents within the perimeters of the entire country to stay inside until the suspects have been apprehended. “If you are between the 1200-block of...

Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades. Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small...

Thousand Oaks, CA - Your Facebook friend, James, was in shock early Thursday morning after learning that a tragic mass shooting happened the previous night at an establishment, right across the street from the Ralphs where he has done his shopping on more than one occasion. "I have no words," revealed the traumatized young man at the beginning of his 116-word...

North Hollywood, CA - Resisting the urge to work on his two unfinished feature screenplays, unemployed writer Mark Patterson polished off a stellar re-write of his humble yet iconic Oscar acceptance speech on Tuesday. "Luck is for the ill-prepared," explained the Connecticut native who recently quit his job as an Apple Genius after realizing his genius was not being appreciated. "I'm...

Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles County Fire Department announced plans Monday to join in the City’s effort to prevent the recent outbreaks of Hepatitis A and Typhus from reaching epidemic levels by conducting carefully controlled burns of the county's homeless population. "We're starting with Skid Row, obviously," explained LAFP Chief Dale Mahorn. "But ultimately, if we're really taking...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

Police departments across the nation have made great strides in lightening their image in recent weeks by participating in the online viral "police lip sync challenge." By showing the soft and silly side of the Nation's law-enforcement officers, the challenge has succeeded in easing racial tensions and connecting officers to the communities they serve. Sadly, those efforts hit a...

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...