Local

Cedar Park, TX - 15-year-old Ainsley Palmer was reportedly shocked Tuesday evening after discovering that her father’s comments on her Facebook post were actually pretty funny. “I love my dad,” Ainsley stated. “But he’s pretty lame, in general. So when I saw a notification pop up and thought of my all my friends seeing his corny puns and total...

Los Angeles, CA - In stark contrast to the countless unrequested penile photographs with which she was previously inundated, local hostess Sarah Halicki was pleasantly surprised to receive an aesthetically pleasing dick-pic Thursday night. "I typically hate dick-pics," Halicki explained. "They are a gross and offensive manifestation of male privilege and aggression. But I have to admit, this last...

If this story doesn’t warm your heart, you are clearly a robot or a German - The heartbroken parents of 15-year-old Andrea Stith were desperate for answers after their beloved daughter was found asphyxiated in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car last week. Under the circumstances, they were naturally somewhat suspicious that foul play had occurred. That was until...

GLENDORA, CA - 26-year-old hairdresser Candace Patterson sparked controversy Tuesday when she viciously reset the Netflix password she shared with long-time boyfriend Jake Quiller after learning he had cheated on her with her younger sister. "I’m not condoning what Jake did," said long time friend of the couple, Ashleigh Winfrey. "But I also don’t think she needed to react...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. "It was so...

Warren, MI - Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture. "I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother," neighbor David Smith explained. "But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t...

Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers. "I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Zionsville, IN - In a totally unexpected ordeal, local IT project manager Patrick Leaming struggled with how to deflect blame after inviting obnoxious asshole Bill Gowing to a friend’s house party Friday night. "I didn’t think he would actually show up," an exacerbated Leaming explained to reporters. "I hadn’t seen the guy in years and randomly ran into him...