Local

BROOKLYN, NY- Up-and-coming local stand-up comic Edward Figone raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he left the hilarious comment: "#humblebrag" under Facebook friend, Leah Cooper’s post about how she had recently been sexually assaulted walking home from work. "I was just scrolling through the feed and the word ‘rape’ caught my eye," Figone explained. "She was blabbering on about how...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. "It was so...

Santa Monica, CA - Local attorney Jason Koh delighted colleagues Monday with his witty and acerbic take on the inherent insecurity of women who get breast-implants. "I just can't take them seriously," Koh explained while leaning on his $90,000 Mercedes. "If God gave you little titties, just stay in shape, be confident and rock what you got," said the...

Lambertville, NJ - Local electrician Joseph Chapman was reportedly unsure how to proceed Tuesday as his friend's wedding, for which he received a save-the-date but not an actual invitation, draws near. "It's less than a month away and I know they already sent out invitations because I saw one on my buddy's fridge when I was at his cookout...

Maddison, WI - In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.  “We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,”...

Old Lady’s Basement, OH - Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened "Wrinkle Necked Toe head" is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled...

Thousand Oaks, CA - Your Facebook friend, James, was in shock early Thursday morning after learning that a tragic mass shooting happened the previous night at an establishment, right across the street from the Ralphs where he has done his shopping on more than one occasion. "I have no words," revealed the traumatized young man at the beginning of his 116-word...

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

East Bay, CA - Insta-wife and mother of two, Maddison Klein, pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying to her 2,000+ Instagram followers by using misleading hashtags such as #soblessed, #livingmybestlife, and #besthubbyever under dozens of posts; when in fact, she was neither so blessed nor living her best life. Outside the courthouse Klein broke down in tears as she...