Local

Los Angeles, CA - Adam Miller shocked friends and family Tuesday when the 32-year-old freelance public relations rep heroically swiped right on the Tinder profile of a woman whom witnesses report had "only neck-up photos for him to go off of." "I’ve never seen anything like it," best friend, Leon McNally described. "She had a pretty face. But I...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

BROOKLYN, NY- Up-and-coming local stand-up comic Edward Figone raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he left the hilarious comment: "#humblebrag" under Facebook friend, Leah Cooper’s post about how she had recently been sexually assaulted walking home from work. "I was just scrolling through the feed and the word ‘rape’ caught my eye," Figone explained. "She was blabbering on about how...

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Portland, OR - Local coffee-blogger Damien Lardner impressed friends and neighbors Sunday when he spent nearly an hour preparing a nutritious organic gluten-free Non-GMO vegan meal for his beloved dog Gypsy who had just eaten her own shit. "It was really impressive," claimed visiting neighbor Jordan Brennan. "Damien loves Gypsy so much. He just wants her to be happy and...

Bucks, PA — After over a month of meticulous planning, 27-year-old Kimberley Sweetin excitedly entered Home Depot Wednesday evening to get the tools and materials she needed for a DIY wine bar. "But what I’m really looking forward to", Sweetin explained, "is stopping what I’m doing multiple times to politely nod and smile at unsolicited advice from the lurking...

Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers. "I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...

Los Angeles, CA - In stark contrast to the countless unrequested penile photographs with which she was previously inundated, local hostess Sarah Halicki was pleasantly surprised to receive an aesthetically pleasing dick-pic Thursday night. "I typically hate dick-pics," Halicki explained. "They are a gross and offensive manifestation of male privilege and aggression. But I have to admit, this last...

Old Lady’s Basement, OH - Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened "Wrinkle Necked Toe head" is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled...

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. "It was so...