Politics

From the earliest days of Pope Francis' reign, saint watchers pegged the wildly popular pontiff as a strong candidate for eventual canonization. Las Vegas bookmakers agree: the current money line odds on Francis' eventual sainthood are holding steady at a staggering -1000. It thus came as no surprise when, early Tuesday morning, the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals took the...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators. "While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...

Washington D.C. - In an utterly predictable move, leftist cuck Jeff Sessions betrayed his president Thursday by issuing a statement in support of the integrity of the United States Department of Justice, a virulently biased anti-trump organization which he currently heads. "While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political...

Helsinki, Finland - In a grand diplomatic gesture unseen since ancient Aztec times, President Trump graciously gifted a recently seized 10-month-old Guatemalan baby to Russian President Vladamir Putin at their historic Helsinki summit on Monday. "We had these terrific babies in cages," Trump explained at the press conference. "So I said to my people: Why don't we share them with our friends? Because...

Washington D.C. - In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy's retirement announcement, liberals nationwide have begun stockpiling abortions and same-sex marriages at an unprecedented rate. Data released Monday by Planned Parenthood and multiple state governments shows that Americans bought nearly three million abortions and gay marriages in just the last 12 days. "It's bad for the country, but good for business,"...

Washington D.C. - Continuing his whirlwind media tour, President Trump's counsel Rudy Giuliani told ABC News Tuesday that the President "probably" has the power to pardon himself for any crime: "The constitution puts no limits on the President's explicit power to pardon any person accused of a crime in the United States," Giuliani Explained. "And trust me, this has nothing...

Washington D.C. - Newly leaked transcripts of the Senate testimony of Donald Trump Jr. reveal that the president's firstborn had his allowance cut in half following an incident in the Fall of 2017 in which Don Jr. allegedly told his father how the third season of Narcos ends before the President had a chance to watch the finale for himself. "I do not...

Port-au-Prince, Haiti - Haitian President Jovenel Moise stunned the international community Friday with the issuance of an executive order barring the entry of any and all 'shithole presidents' to the country. "Why would we as a nation wish to be visited by a hole, out of which comes shit?" asked President Moise. "A hole that spews the shit of so...

Beverly Hills, CA - Renowned Psychiatrist Dr. Bernard Neagle confirmed Wednesday that recently fired Breitbart chief and former Whitehouse advisor Steve Bannon has indeed been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder following a horrifying incident in which Mr. Bannon accidentally pressed #2 for Spanish while applying for unemployment benefits over the phone. "Mr. Bannon was already in a very fragile psychological state due to...