Politics

Brentwood, CA - Breitbart News Executive Chair and controversial right-wing firebrand Steve Bannon resigned Tuesday in the wake of the publication of a new book attributing to him numerous incendiary statements critical of President Trump and his family. In an apparent effort to put a positive spin on what is widely seen as an epic downfall, Bannon issued a statement...

In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94. The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...

Vatican City - Members of Christian body image advocacy organization Christians for a Realistic Appearing Messiah (“CRAM”) have been picketing outside the Vatican since Tuesday in an effort to draw attention to their claim that the church’s depictions of key Holy Trinity member Jesus Christ as thin and physically fit have promoted unrealistic standards of beauty that have been...

The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

Washington D.C.- Following the announcement Sunday that The White House would be terminating The Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals ("DACA") program, otherwise known as The DREAM Act, President Trump urged congress Monday to pass his newly introduced replacement legislation, The Lucid Nightmare Act. Unlike The Dream Act, which protected young undocumented immigrants from deportation if they were brought to...