Science & Technology

According to a new comprehensive analysis done by Yale University climate researchers, the single most impactful measure individuals can take to protect the planet's corporations from the consequences of their own environment-destroying practices—is to switch to a vegan diet. The new research shows that, if every individual simply removed meat and dairy from their diet (regardless of whether they have access...

Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades. Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small...

Pasadena, CA - A study published Tuesday by researchers at Caltech found a surprising correlation between consumption of copious amounts of alcohol during the day, and going to bed at a healthy, appropriate time. “Contrary to the traditional stigma, it turns out there is a demonstrable health benefit to getting shit-faced in the afternoon,” explained Dr. Yvonne Attat, author...

Washington, D.C. - According to a study published by Pew Research Center this week, most Americans cited fear of liberals breaking into their home and taking their guns as the number one reason for keeping a loaded gun by their bed. The study, which was based on interviews with nearly 20,000 gun owners across 28 states,  revealed a variety of motivations for purchasing...

Just three years ago, a debate over the color of a dress nearly broke the internet. Now, a four-second audio clip of the Greek keyboardist known as "Yanni" has sparked an even fiercer debate; leaving best friends questioning each others’ sanity, 20-year marriages ending, and in a few cases, people emptying bottles of Drano into their own ears. Listen to...

Enthusiasts of the flavor of Tide Pods often compare its aromatic aftertaste, to that of the fresh crisp, universally adored herb cilantro. Thanks to extensive recent experimentation conducted by pre-teens on Youtube, scientists have finally learned why Tide Pods taste like cilantro for some 4-14 percent of the population. These "supertasters" merely possess a more refined palate than the rest...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

San Diego, CA - Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director...