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Washington, D.C. — In the midst of nerve-racking reports that a global pandemic is inevitable, President Trump announced Wednesday that Vice President Mike Pence would lead the federal government’s response to the coronavirus. To comfort a nation edging on the cusp of contagion, here are some of the czars’ top strategies for repressing and reversing the fast-moving...

“Ethnic cleansing” is probably the last thing that comes to mind when you see a Swastika scribbled on the wall of your local bar or tattooed on the forehead of the friendly biker who lives next door. But according to scholars at Frankfurt University, the geometric symbol normally associated with peace and divinity actually has a sinister...

Shared Bathroom, USA - Propped upon the proudly mounted cardboard carcass of a formerly plump roll of bathroom tissue, yet another fast-diminishing roll is losing hope that it will ever replace its predecessor on the available spool.  It was not a month ago, maybe 3 AM, when the fresh fat bundle of double-ply joy...

Biloxi, MS - Social media was abuzz Tuesday after photos surfaced on Twitter appearing to show former Mississippi Senator Jefferson Davis wearing the uniform of a Confederate general. The pictures were initially posted by several University of Mississippi students during a class trip to Biloxi. "So we were just taking this tour of the...

After serving nine years in prison following his conviction for a 2007 armed robbery, newly released hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson reported Sunday that he is greatly relieved to finally be away from all those black people. "Here's the thing they don't tell you about prison," O.J. told reporters from his Brentwood golf course. "It's full of black people....

Spokane, WA - Despite his total dependence on his mother’s breasts for sustenance, 13-month-old Daniel Lawton is actually more of an ass-man according to friends and neighbors close to the precocious infant. "Most of us just take what we’re given and do what’s expected of us," explained 11-month-old playmate Anthony Tamashunas. "But Danny is different. He’s his own...

Zionsville, IN - In a totally unexpected ordeal, local IT project manager Patrick Leaming struggled with how to deflect blame after inviting obnoxious asshole Bill Gowing to a friend’s house party Friday night. "I didn’t think he would actually show up," an exacerbated Leaming explained to reporters. "I hadn’t seen the guy in years and randomly ran into him...