We at Whiskeyleaks have worked hard to establish a reputation for integrity and truth-seeking in our hard-hitting journalism. We’ve always found it best to avoid political affiliations as not to give our critics ammunition with which to impugn our objectivity. However, this presidential election is different. The stakes have never been higher and we quite literally cannot afford to remain neutral. That’s why Whiskeyleaks’ editorial board is hereby pleased to announce our endorsement of Mayor Mike Mike Bloomberg for President of the United States. After long reflection, we’ve come to the conclusion that Mike is the only candidate with the integrity and the resources to keep paying us, even after he loses this election. Our decision was based on some of the following considerations:
Mike is more than 5 months younger than Grampa Bernie Sanders
That should count for something, right? We’ve known a lot of old people who rapidly went downhill after a minor fall or election in a matter of months. Like Biden.
Mike will focus on a better tomorrow
That’s right! Mike is so focussed on America’s future that he doesn’t have time to worry about mundane things like remembering to cancel his autopay to Whiskeyleaks Inc. after the campaign is over. And that’s the kind of leader we here at Whiskeyleaks can get behind.
Mike is a man of the people
Yes, Mike is indeed a person and he knows a lot of people.
Mike can beat Trump at being a real billionaire
Mike Bloomberg is a real actual billionaire whereas Trump is like a technical billionaire, who has had a billion dollars at one point. Real actual billionaires have so much money that they sometimes drop it (many people don’t know this). And if you’re hanging out with them when they drop it, you can pick it up. Just a few crumbs from Mike’s pocket will be more than enough to keep the lights on, our bar tab paid, and the loan-sharks off our back.
