Sex is great, but with everything going on these days (looking at you, #metoo movement), most of the good sex things are off the table. But fear not! we’ve compiled a list of probably-legal and oh-so-exciting twists on your favorite activity: pounding. So even if you never got the chance to roofie-and-romp, you can still have a sexually deviant legacy your unplanned grandchildren will be ashamed of. How many of these have you done?
1. Have sex while your parents are fighting in the next room.
There’s something exciting about climaxing while you hear the muffled sounds of your parents’ relationship disintegrating. If the argument is about you, make sure you work that into your dirty-talk. Shame is a powerful aphrodisiac.
2. Sleep with someone much much younger than you (legal, of course)!
Find whichever systemically misogynistic backward-ass country has the lowest legal age of consent, and fuck the limit! Young people have this energy and hope that we all lose as we age. And if involuntary celibacy has turned you into a piece of shit, it can be exciting and nostalgic to be with someone who can take you back to your childhood, while you’re taking away theirs. Honestly tho, specifically post whether you plan on pursuing this one so we can give you mad props… not so we can tell your mother that you are a pedophile.
3. Have sex with someone who is not your partner, and don’t ever tell him/her.
Shhhh… There’s nothing sexier than the fear of getting caught, knowing it could potentially devastate your partner and destroy her/his trust in you and all people.
4. Have unprotected sex with a homeless person.
Condoms don’t feel great, and you are WOKE AF! So there’s no better way to convince yourself that you believe bums are worthy of the same dignity and vulnerability as a human who doesn’t have urine-soaked pants or dried vomit in their beard—than barebacking it with said person.
5. Stay a virgin until marriage.
This may seem like a given, but if you haven’t yet experienced finally losing your virginity on your wedding night, after years of yearning in your loins and imagining what intercourse feels like, you must!
6. Hide in the closet while your spouse thinks they’re getting away with fucking someone else.
Knowing your partner is receiving mind-blowing orgasms from someone you could never compete with can be a huge turn on, but if she thinks you suspect nothing, and actually you are watching the whole thing while crying in the closest, well that’s even hotter!
7. Be sitting in a parked car with your partner’s dick secretly inside you while a woman holding a baby is asking you for directions.
Sustained eye contact is key here!
8. Make love to someone as they take their final breath.
Knowing someone’s soul is leaving their body as you plow away at them, is definitely a common kink, but not many people know how to time it perfectly. It helps if you already have a sexual relationship with someone when they find out they have months to live. But if you aren’t so lucky, there are whole wings of the hospital full of lonely, terminal patients who just want to feel sexy again.
9. Switch it up; try “woman on top.”
This move might not be everyone’s cup-o’-tea, but if you haven’t tried it at least once, you should talk to your partner about experimenting. And who knows? maybe you’ll actually like it! And If you want to get REALLY kinky, use coconut oil lube because what’s sexier than smelling of fried shrimp?
10. Try “stealthing” with that special gal.
If you aren’t a bro or rapist, you might not know that stealthing is when a dude pulls off his condom, mid-bone-sesh, without his partner’s consent. Unfortunately, it’s frowned upon now (Thanks Julian Assange!) So you’ll have to be extra stealthy about it. But all women secretly want babies. So as they say, “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than consent.”
