Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades.
Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small barren world closet to the sun, remarkable advances in technology and globalization had led to a sort of renaissance for humankind. Up until now such advances had led to humanity enjoying the highest standard of living for the most people ever achieved, and armed conflict was at an all time low.
But that is all over now.
No longer able to depend on sweet mother Mercury’s good graces, a new dark age defined by violence and chaos is now upon us. As local governments prepare, largely in vain, to handle the torrential flows of blood that will soon engulf our streets, interpersonal relationships between humans the world over have no doubt already begun to break down. Trouble will be particularly acute between water and earth signs.
But the savage infighting between close family and friends will only be harbingers of far broader and more deadly conflicts between soon to be warring nations, many of whom have nuclear arsenals at their disposal. Now the only thing that will be astronomical is the death toll.
As we now well understand, Mercury governs human emotion, logic and relationships. As goes the forward motion of Mercury, so goes human progress. But what causes Mercury to reverse course and retrograde? Our wise ancestors believed it to be caused by the will of petty gods whose arbitrary whims would taketh away just as readily as they would giveth.
Science, however, has conclusively indicated that Mercury retrograding is nothing more than an optical illusion caused by the relative movements of two celestial bodies moving through space at different speeds and orbits. So while our ancestors may have been wrong about Mercury actually retrograding, they were clearly right about one thing: we are all doomed.
