Dear Whiskeyleaks,
I’ve always had thick, lustrous hair and good teeth. But recently my hair and teeth have started falling out at an alarming rate. I know I shouldn’t jump to conclusions or do anything rash, but after doing some internet research on my symptoms, I’m getting really concerned. My question: Is there actually something wrong with me? Or is this just a normal reaction to crystal meth overuse and I’m being paranoid?
-Anonymous
Dear An,
Goodness! That must be terrifying. But you came to the right place! Without even asking any follow-up questions, we can tell you with relative certainty that losing your hair and teeth is a natural part of dying. A lot of people don’t know this, but most newborn infants lose most of the hair they are born with, only to have it grow back a completely different color and texture, only to have it change color again and fall out as they approach the bottomless abyss of death.
And just as it’s perfectly normal for a 6-year-old to bump her baby teeth in favor of stronger, sexier, way less creepy adult teeth, it’s equally normal for your lateral incisors to skip town and make way for the new meth highway everyone is using. You can’t fight city hall. Don’t try.
So you can rest easy, An (when the meth runs out). Everything you’ve ever done or will do in the future is a perfectly natural response to the positive and negative reinforcement you’ve been subjected to since your birth combined with your inherited genetic predispositions. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you that death can’t fix.