Washington, D.C. — In the midst of nerve-racking reports that a global pandemic is inevitable, President Trump announced Wednesday that Vice President Mike Pence would lead the federal government’s response to the coronavirus. To comfort a nation edging on the cusp of contagion, here are some of the czars’ top strategies for repressing and reversing the fast-moving disease.
1. A secluded camp for those already infected with Covid-19 to undergo intensive therapy and counseling to reverse the effects of the affliction.
For those skeptical that this can work, many of the trained camp guides are formerly infected patients who have successfully been converted into not-being-infected.
2. Preventing spread amongst teens through teaching abstinence from physical contact.
The CDC insists that the best way to prevent teens from contracting the novel coronavirus is to educate them on realistic prevention and safety measures such as handwashing with soap and warm water, coughing into sleeves, and staying at home if they are showing symptoms. Pence believes, however, that these practices, such as handing out hand sanitizer and keeping face masks stocked in school vending machines will just encourage reckless behavior.
3. ”Life Begins At Infection”
This approach is for patients who have tested positive for the virus, but because of their beliefs, or local laws, they are not comfortable with going against God’s will. After all, most cases of the global pandemic will be mild or asymptomatic as our bodies are designed to “shut the whole thing down” if contracted through the air. Amazingly enough, people who are exposed to the pathogen, through no fault of their own, will develop antibodies that wouldn’t have existed if they had initially killed the infection.
4. Converting abandoned Planned Parenthood Clinics into treatment centers.
This is a win/win since these centers are already fully equipped to provide care and medical intervention. That means the billions of dollars allocated to the coronavirus response won’t be wasted on new infrastructure and can instead go towards more important things like those camps.
Vice President Pence is more than confident that his multi-pronged approach to containing and eradicating this aggressive plague will be as successful as the time he cured HIV in Indiana. But the coronavirus czar has requested that, before being quarantined alone with any woman who is not his wife, should it come to that, he be euthanized. So it’s up to all of us, as Americans, to ensure he is not put in such a compromising position. Amen.
