Palm Beach, FL – In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He announced the plan via twitter from the golf course of his Mara Lago resort where he is presently quarantined:
“So much FAKE NEWS on CoronaVirus in MSM! Embarrassing! I will follow in footsteps of Ronald Regan Fireside chats and tell the American people the REAL FACTS myself. Stay tuned for my first Fireside Tweet tomorrow night at 8:00pm Eastern! (7:00pm central)”
Wall Street’s response to the news was an unequivocal sigh of relief as markets rallied and recovered nearly 70% of Thursday’s catastrophic losses. Perhaps even more importantly, Main Street appears to share Wall Street’s sentiment: “No matter how bad things get, it’s comforting to know that my family and I can huddle around the oven for warmth, stare at our phones, and get all the facts that matter in 280 characters or less,” tweeted @HisDisciple76 in response to the news. “The President’s ability to break things down in a straight forward, no-nonsense way is truly a gift from God. With everything going on in the world today, I honestly don’t know how I’d sleep at night without his guidance.”
“It feels like he’s right there in the room with us, breathing the carbon monoxide and sharing that can of sardines that was here since before we moved in,” glowed recently laid-off server @BangBangShr1mp.
Even families facing separation and deportation under the Trump administration’s immigration policies are deriving some hope from the Fireside Tweets: “It’s been nice having something to distract me from the fact that my three-year-old nephew has been alone in a cage for the past 20 months,” 24-year-old Blanca García told a Trump-approved reporter over the phone.
The President’s ability to connect with U.S. citizens in a familiar tone, through Fireside Tweets, serves as a reminder that no matter how divided and alone Americans may feel, we’re all in this together. A least until the internet gets shut off.
