Washington D.C. – Confimring everything America already thought about men, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly ghosted the Nation last week after the two had sex on their first date. “I’m totally fine,” the U.S. told reporters via text Monday. “It’s just that I NEVER do that on a first date. And we had such an amazing night together. He was just so intense and passionate. I thougt maybe he really cared about me. But whatever… I’m a strong independent nation and I’m moving on. #freedom”
Scaramuuci, who was photographed Thursday evening leaving an upscale Washington restaurant with Sweden, replied to our request for comment via email: “I have no idea what that bitch has been saying about me,” Scaramucci began. “But just ’cause I gave her the Mooch-monster on the first date doesn’t mean we’re fucking married. If she’d played it cool, I might even have hit her up again. Typical America. If she wasn’t so fucking uptight maybe she would have a Comunciations Director.”
