Seattle, WA – An alarming new study published Thursday in the American Journal of Business Anthropology found that 58% of the people in your office have fantasized about killing you. The 18-month study, headed by Dr. Bethany Leaming of the University of Washington, used revolutionary techniques in inducing honesty with controlled doses of Sodium Pentothal, scopolamine, and MDMA. “Thoughts and feelings your co-workers would normally be ashamed to admit, come to the surface without inhibition when we make them feel safe… and give them lots of Molly,” Leaming explained. “Contrary to our original thesis, it turns out that you have an incredibly annoying laugh and you play your music way too loud. Your supervisor Darrell reported fantasies of beating you to death with your computer speakers just last week.” The report also indicated that homicidal thoughts among your associates spiked significantly that time when you were the only one who didn’t pitch in on Debbie’s birthday present as well as each time you failed to close the bathroom door after taking a dump.
