San Diego, CA – Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director Steven Bok. “Each encounter yielded identical conclusions: She definitely has enough juice to last ’til she calls a ride home at 4am while black-out drunk.”
The study’s conclusions were based on a number of factors: “Ms. Howell informed us that she had already switched her phone to low power mode,” Bok continued. “Furthermore, she stated that the club they were going to was a ‘total dead zone’ so she couldn’t drain her phone if she wanted to.”
When reached for comment while on the way the to the club, Ms. Howell spent 22 minutes on the phone with reporters explaining that she really only needed enough battery to venmo her friend Sarah who was the only member of her group bringing actual money. “There’s no need for all of us to ruin our outfits by carrying things like money and chargers,” Howell explained. “Sarah’s bringing the molly anyway so I’ll just pay her for everything when I’m paying for that.”
