PHILADELPHIA, PA – Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. “It was so cold,” relayed sophomore Ken Chang. “Not only did she not smile as the nice man requested, but she didn’t even acknowledge or look at him. What a fucking bitch.” Whiting himself confirmed that Ms. Childress was “not even that hot” and thus totally unjustified in being that stuck-up. University President Jacob Ellis attempted to calm the hysteria Monday with a university-wide email explaining that Ms. Childress is almost certainly a lesbian.
